The Firecracker Defuser
08 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Food for Thought Tags: anger, Christ, firecracker, God's love, grace, life, marriage, relationships, stress, unconditional love
About 6 weeks ago, my husband and I embarked on a new and temporary adventure. We offered to let my grandpa live with us for what appears to be his final season of life. This would be why my blog has gone lifeless and barren of late. This would also be why my house is messier, my leg hair is growing hair of it’s own, and my dog ran off to find a new forever family. And to top it all off, just a few weeks after gramps came into our home, it was also the start of our new homeschool year — with an entirely new and different curriculum and approach.
**Sidenote: let me explain my personality in one word: Firecracker. Listen to this song if you need more explanation.
The first time I heard about the above song was when my mom and cousin caught it on the radio one day and laughed because they both immediately thought of me. Aside from the fact it’s talking about a romp in the hay, the firecracker premise fits none-the-less.**
So, given the fact that I explode easily and have now found stress and time constraints to be a constant any and every day….I haven’t been totally pleasant. Those who don’t know me well and have seen me probably thought I’ve been just pleasantly peachy. Those who know me well and who I love most out of any in the world have seen the fiery, short-fused bawl baby that I really am. You can probably guess who that would be…
God bless…my husband. He catches 97.8% of the flack. I do not and have never handled stress well. Which cracks me up given the life I’ve had. You’d think I would be a professional stress squasher by now! Yeah, not so much.
Here’s the difference between my husband and every other man I’ve ever known ~ Since nearly the very beginning of our relationship, he has had the uncanny ability to see beyond my tangible, face value emotion to the heart of my issue. He has always searched out the “Why” of my behavior. It’s as if he has stared at and studied the abstract portrait that is my past so in depth that he can now recognize the hues that filter and color my current life experiences.
I had a hard time understanding unconditional love and an even harder time understanding that there would ever be someone who really had the ability to do this. My husband helps me to understand what it looks like to live out unconditional love. He sees the walls I put up and why. He sees my buttons and why they are my buttons. He sees how my sometimes self-sabotaging ways serve as a protection mechanism. He just gets me. Sometimes he gets me before I get me!
Then I got to thinking — Isn’t that how our Father God gets us? He can see the “why” in our actions — Isn’t that why He can love us unconditionally? Our “why’s” reside in the heart and that’s exactly where he looks. He sees our life’s painting and the color palette we filter life through. And though I should always be striving to die to my fleshly emotions, when the firecracker in me explodes, He is there to remind me of His grace and unconditional love. And honestly, that is what my husband does for me too. He reminds me of his unconditional love and extends grace to me unfailingly.
I always wanted to understand unconditional love as it applies to Christ but never could grasp it. I still don’t think I have a full grasp on that reality, but thanks to my kind, caring, and patient husband, I do understand it better and I try to learn from his example. So much prayer went in to my husband before I ever even knew him and God provided in abundance. Thank you Eric for loving me enough to search out the “why’s” in me. I am blessed to be walking this life with you by my side.
**Another side note — mushy is SO not my thing, HOWEVER, God placed this on my heart and I thought I would share it. I know many others are blessed with earthly examples of unconditional love that we sometimes mistreat or take for granted. Don’t.**
I apologize
24 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
I just wanted to drop a quick note to apologize for not blogging at all lately. I have blog projects that I need to get to, but my family and I are giving end of life care to my grandpa and so cliche, yet, when it rains it pours.
Please be patient with me and I will get back into this soon 
I appreciate all of you!
Cynthia
The Poop Cleats…You have to dig in to get the work done!
25 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Food for Thought, Uncategorized
We rented our house in Colorado out for a year and a half while we were in Phoenix, Arizona. What we came back to was, well, less than ideal. We have now been back in the house for a year and most of the fix-up projects are getting closer to being done. At the moment, it is my bathroom linoleum bugging me.
When I clean my linoleum floors, I get down on all fours because it soothes my OCD better than if I had used a mop. 
**Every once in a while I will use my Shark** So every week for the last year, while on all fours in my bathroom, I have to laugh because you see, there are cleat marks on the linoleum in front of the toilet. There are no cleat marks anywhere else, just in front of the toilet. Of course my imagination ran away with me the very first time I noticed them and now I never clean that spot without an image popping into my head.
What image do you get?
The image I get is…well, I think the “poop cleats” (as I lovingly call them), gave someone some bracing for a very messy job!
This week while finally sharing my “humor” with my husband, I realized the parallel this story has to real-life and thus, “Poop cleats, you have to dig in to get the work done” was born!
Sometimes life gets so hard. Sometimes we need a brace to stand against the trials. Sometimes life feels like nothing more than a messy job. And almost always, no matter how we come out of the bathroom — uh, I mean, the trials — there are still lasting marks to keep us from completely forgetting where we used to be.
Who of us wouldn’t want to avoid trials? Try as we may, they have a way of finding us anyway. Once the trial is at our doorstep, we still sometimes have a tendency to practice avoidance yet all the while knowing the problem isn’t going anywhere. It will linger. What if – just like the character in my mental image did – we really just made a plan and dug in, stayed focused and braced ourselves for the storm? All the while telling ourselves it would be over in no time and we would be healthier (and lighter!!) for it.
“Life’s A Garden, Dig It” Joe Dirt
The Humble Pie I’ve Been Eating For A Week.
24 Aug 2011 5 Comments
in Food for Thought Tags: care, God, humble, humility, life, respect, stuck up
I have had a humbling week. At first I didn’t think it was going any different than any other week, but then, in true God fashion…He made it otherwise. Let me give you the backstory first –
So, not so many years ago I was involved in a crappy, toxic relationship. I loved the guy, sure, but I secretly thought I was too good for him and he was lucky to have me. He had addiction issues and I of course wanted him to change. Enter all of his friends. I never, ever bothered to get to know them because I just assumed they were part of the problem for my boyfreind. I saw them feeding his addictions, encouraging his behavior, and loving that he was the life of the party. I was stuck-up, rude, and definitely not showing anyone that I believed they had value. As someone so kindly put it to me this week — you were a **something that rhymes with witch**.
Fast forward to 3 years after that boyfriend and I broke up. He died. In the midst of grief, I found commonality with his friends. And in God’s own quirky way (of which I could have never imagined), He has brought many of those friends in to my life since. One by one, life has bumped us into eachother again, only this time, I have found myself caring each and every time I have run into one of them.
I have found myself wanting to reach out, truly caring what these people are going through, and believing 100% that they are valuable. Actually, my husband and I call one of those friends and his fiancee some of our closest and most trusted friends.
I hadn’t even come close to realizing the difference in how I treated them from then to now until this past weekend. I had conversations with 2 people I had treated like dirt back then. They were brutally honest, and although it stung a bit, I needed to hear it. I needed to remember that in all of my high and mightiness — I had failed to see the soul staring back at me. I had failed to see God’s child. I had failed to portray the value of human life. And in doing those things, I had also failed God.
Every single life has value, and I can honestly say now that I don’t even have to force myself to realize that about anyone. Years back, not so much. I thank God for bringing these people back into my life so I could genuinely make good. I am a better person for knowing them. Not the other way around.
Love God, Love people…every single one of them.
Football Party Must-Have
22 Aug 2011 1 Comment
in Food Tags: Denver Broncos, dip, food, football, football party, party food, potluck
I am loving the fact that football season is upon us and it’s time for those competitive get-togethers. God bless the boys of fall! I know when fall, football, and food collide around here, it is bound to be a good time!
This recipe has been in my family for years and is a fan favorite everytime I make it. So, without further adieu…
Fabulous Dip
1-2 lbs. Ground burger
2 lbs. Velveeta
1 can Green Chiles
1 Onion, chopped
1 can Stewed Tomatoes
Tortilla chips
Drain burger, add cheese, tomatoes, and green chiles. Serve with chips on side.
** If you are not a Denver Broncos fan, may your cheese scorch and your burger burn…Amen** 
Dear Adoptive Parent…
19 Aug 2011 30 Comments
in Being a birthmother Tags: adoption, adoptive parent, birthfather, birthmother, closed adoption, deceit, fear, God's example, God's plan, God's will, open adoption, vessel
Isn’t it wonderful to think that — yes technically, your birthmother chose you to parent her child — but in all reality GOD chose you to be a parent specifically to your child(ren). Your birthmother was a vessel, God was the Operator. God chose you. God chose you knowing every side of you, knowing you would have your fair share of mess-ups. God led your birthmother to you. God chose you because He delights in giving His children the desires of their hearts. The desire of your birthmother’s heart was for her child to have parents just like you. Just like you have the opportunity to be adopted into His family, your child had the opportunity to be adopted into your family.
Not only is God awesome, He is also an example. He is an example we should all live by. His love surpasses all and forgives without question. There is never anything anyone can do, that when they come back to Him He would turn them away. Never. I am so thankful for that because I fall short all the time. Don’t you? We make mistakes, we live outside of God’s purpose sometimes, we pull back when things are painful, we sometimes cower, and we sometimes seek substances or things to escape our pain and shortcomings.
Here is my issue: I have had countless broken-hearted birthmothers reaching out to me lately that are on the edge and broken. They are suffering. They are agonizing over their decision to choose adoption. Here is why: After agreeing to open adoptions, adoptive parents are pulling that option off the table and closing everything off. One fact I find so completely disheartening is that many of these Adoptive Parents claim they are Christians. I am not going to pretend to understand every single circumstance and decision made. That is not my thing. I am not going to say that if this is you, you are wrong for doing so. My guess is, your gut already knows that but fear of the unknown feeds your resolve.
Here is what I will say: you are killing birthmothers/fathers. The very spirit inside of them is slipping away because they put absolute hope and trust in you. They believed in you. They gave you their child. They may have even believed God about you. They chose life for their child because they believed in life and love itself, and you, the very one they and God chose to parent their child, pulled the rug out from under them. It is a most intimate form of deceit.
I’m sure there are many reasons and many ways to reason why closing the adoption was/is a good idea. We can always find excuses and some are valid. If you have closed off a once open adoption, let me ask you: Was it motivated by fear? Was it motivated by “what-if’s”? Was it motivated by “I don’t want…”? Secrecy? Because you were tired of sharing? Because your birthmother isn’t acting appropriately? Insecurity? Because just like the birthmother that decided her unexpected pregnancy was no longer about her, you also have to decide that adoption is not about you.
Do you wonder what will happen when your child is old enough to search out their birthparents on their own? Do you want them to find out that you closed the adoption after agreeing to something different? If you want to be the hero in your child’s life, you need to be the bigger person. You need to step out of fear and into peace. God loves at all cost. The day you entered into an open adoption, you also agreed to love at all cost. And I’m not just talking about your child. You agreed that you would not be the one to break a birthmother or father’s heart to shards by closing off the adoption. You entered into a heart agreement with a woman that believed in you enough to let her child call you Mother.
Is your artificially closed adoption worth the pain it is causing others? Even if you take God out of the equation (which of course, I never recommend!), is your gain worth causing someone else pain?
Jesus is PRO-EVERYBODY. He’s not pro everything… now there are some nasty THINGS. But He NEVER lets the things that He is against get in the way of the people that He loves.
~Greg Boyd
Love God, Love your Birthmothers/Fathers. At all cost.
Integrity…It’s What’s For Dinner!
16 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Food for Thought Tags: accountability, bad, choices, compromise, crossroads, decision making, decisions, defending, entitlement, God, good, habits, integrity, justified, life, moral compass, payoff, sin
I wrote this a while back but while cleaning off my computer came across it again. Hope you enjoy!
My 9-year-old to me: Can I lose just a little bit of integrity and only pay Kasey (brother) 50 cents for the backrub he gave me instead of the $1.25 I told him?
Haven’t we all hit those integrity crossroads at some point? Moments after he said this to me, I began having flashbacks of recent incidences where I had that choice to make also. Can I say I took the high road? Not every time. And sometimes it’s not the low road you should worry about as much as the middle road. The low road is like where you fall competely on your face — integrity (or lack thereof) in the open for all to see. The middle road is where compromise happens, no one necessarily sees it; it’s not as bad as _____, yet you still missed the “right” mark and you feel it inside. Take that road enough, though, and your internal compass will start to change with it. When we can do wrong things and not feel that icky feeling inside, we should check to see where North points on our compass.
Thinking about the roads we travel in life and the choices we are faced with everyday, integrity is so important, yet we seem to be finding it less and less in this world. We reward politicians, sports figures, etc, etc, for less than optimal behavior. We look up to these people and often times, so do our children. So, what can we expect but that our children model what they see, even from us?
I have had my moments where I’ve compromised my integrity because I’ve felt justified. I’ve built my argument, reasoned it out with God as to why it was necessary, and stooped to levels set by others out of my raging desire to defend myself. The level of integrity I require from myself is extremely high but sometimes, I feel like I have to come out with my claws showing when I feel threatened.
It truly is just a series of little compromises beginning in our minds. The thinking that, “Well, I’m entitled” or “they deserve it” or “God wants me to have it” or “they should be held accountable”, and the list goes on and on. As soon as I begin to think those thoughts, my actions are not far behind. Often times immediately after I have justified my lack of integrity, I almost feel euphoric. Yet I know that the sting of regret over allowing myself to get caught up in such a low-level of thinking and behaving is not far behind.
Why can’t the right decision be easier to make? And why can’t it have a better pay off? So many times, the right decisions go unnoticed and are mostly anti-climactic. Generally, it doesn’t come with the pat on the back or the climax in the story. Sometimes I wonder how I’ve ventured so far in life, yet I share so many similarities with a 9-year-old boy (or for that matter even a 3-year-old with a toy). In my son’s case, wanting to hold on to his hard earned money was a good, healthy quality. But is it still a good quality if we have to cheat others to hang on to it? Do I need to lower my level of integrity just to defend myself to other humans? God knows and I know. That should be good enough for me.
Even if the payoff is only having peace of mind with no outward signs of the high level of integrity you have just claimed for yourself, it’s still worth it. Nothing on the outside matters unless we are true to who we are and who God says we are as His children. You are your own reward. Looking in the mirror and loving what you see is priceless. Live exceptionally because you deserve it. The gift of Integrity is already in you, you just have to habitually tap in to it.
Happy Tuesday!
Kitty Litter Cake
15 Aug 2011 2 Comments
in Food Tags: birthday, cake, cat, disgusting, halloween, kitty litter, kitty litter cake, pudding, tootsie rolls, treat, veterinary clinic, yummy
Yep, yummy and disgusting all in one We made this cake for Noah’s 10th birthday this year — he had a fear factor theme…the cat owners could hardly bring themselves to eat it because it looked so real! It would also be great for Halloween or a vet clinic party. Here it is:
Kitty Litter Cake
1 spice cake or german choc. cake mix
1 white cake mix
1 lg. pkg. vanilla sandwich cookies
1 lg. pkg. vanilla instant pudding-prepared
green food coloring
12 small tootsie rolls–heated a bit to shape
new kitty litter pan
newspaper for underneath pan
poop scooper
Prepare cakes according to box.
Put cakes and pudding in fridge to cool.
Smush up entire package of cookies.
Set aside all but 1/4 c. of cookies
Add green food coloring to 1/4 c. cookies, mix well.
Once cakes are cooled to room temp. crumble in large bowl.
Toss 1/2 of the remaining white cookie crumbs in.
IMPORTANT: Mix in just enough pudding to make the cakes moist — not soggy or clumpy.
Combine gently.
Put liner (optional) in kitty litter pan, put mixture in box
Soften unwrapped tootsies into poopy shapes and add to mixture.
Sprinkle other 1/2 cookie crumbs on top.
Scatter green cookie crumbs on top of everything.
Add a few more tootsies on top and make sure to sculpt them well
Get your own — These are taken!
09 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Food for Thought, Uncategorized
For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.
Deuteronomy 4:23-25
I was an only child until I was 12. My Grandmas both treated me like I was the end all, be all. I was selfish. I was undoubtedly the little red-headed, pig-tailed brat picking on all the other kids every chance I got. No sharing toys here. My step-mom calls me her “red-headed stepchild”. Now, as a joke, but man I put her through hell. I put many through hell because of my self-serving, selfish ways. Sharing is not something that comes natural to me, although, I would like to think that as I age I am getting better at it because I try to practice it at every turn.!
Now that I’m an adult, I find that the biggest thing I am selfish about is my kids. I don’t like to share them. Just as the Bible verse above tells us how God loves us so much, He gets jealous when things steal our focus away from Him — I am the same way with my boys. Sometimes I think I have this skewed idea that they were put here just for me, just to bring joy to only me. As if God really sent them down here like toys from Santa for me and me alone. And 90% of the time, I don’t wanna share. They’re mine, I argue.
That’s the little girl in me. The big girl in me knows that they are blessings to many more than just me. The big girl in me knows they aren’t mine in any aspect except that I gave birth to them. **Lucky me**!!!!! But truly, they belong to God. Yes, I am blessed that He chose me to be their mother, but during their lifetimes they will bless many more than just me. They will give time to many more than just me. They will cut the apron strings and walk on their own – one day. They will…God help me…love another woman later on. I’m introducing that idea bit by bit to the little girl in me. And of course, praying dutifully that she’s just as awesome as me Haha!
As I am realizing how quickly they are growing up, independence is a growing issue to me right now. Teaching them independence is so completely important to me, yet that darn little girl in me just wants to hold them tightly and never let go. The jealous red-head in me wants them all to myself, all the days of my life. This jealous little girl doesn’t want to share. But more importantly, this big-girl mommy doesn’t want to consume my children to the point of making them into ill-equipped, dependent adults. In order to give my children independence and life, I must share. I must open my fist, finger by finger **with God unbuckling each knuckle** over these years and share them with the world.
But….Until then…GET YOUR OWN!
Happy Tuesday
10 Reasons to Adopt a Child with Special Needs
19 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in Being a birthmother, Food for Thought, Special Needs, Uncategorized Tags: abortion, acceptance, adoption, adoptive parent, angel, children, God, God's love, joy, kids, life, parenting, perspective, smile, special needs, unconditional love
I found that keeping this list to 10 reasons is..well…impossible. So my 10 reasons are only going to focus on you…the adoptive parent. Not what you can bring a child but more what a child can bring you. Please note that I in no way, shape, or form believe adoption to be about what a child can do for you. A most important piece in adoption is what you can provide a child. But the rewards that come from parenting a special needs child are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. My 12 year old is my “handi-absolutely-capable” son, then I have a younger son that is ”not special needs” and I am also a birthmother. So, I can offer my knowledge from many perspectives. I find it rewarding to parent both my children, but my older son (Kasey) has brought the perspective that often gets lost on parents of healthy children who sometimes take their children’s lives for granted.
As an adoptive parent, I’m sure you have a plethora of love and life to give. Let me tell you, if you adopt a special needs child, you will get more of these things than you ever could offer. So, enough of that…let’s get to the list:
1) Do you want life on a whole new level?
This is a picture of my boys giving end of life care to our 15 year old dog, Shep. When we took him to the vet for euthanasia it was Kasey, me, and my husband. My husband and I both cried. Kasey held it together through the whole thing and pet our dog to the final breath. Later when we went to my parents home in the country to bury him, Kasey lifted Shep’s ear before we put him in his grave and told him “goodbye Shep” –still never shedding a tear. I asked him if he was sad that Shep had passed and he said yes. “So, why haven’t you cried?” I asked. “Because Shep is in heaven and I will see him again.” Cut and dried, plain and simple. Eternal perspective. The same perspective that caused him to excitedly wave goodbye towards the casket of my grandma when she passed. I am always the bawling mess and he consistently gives me the right perspective on things.
2) Do you want to feel alive?
That scar right down the middle of his chest is from open heart surgery when he was 15 months old. He had a hole in his heart the size of a quarter. The doctors said that up to that point even having a bowel movement could have given him a heart attack. He had drainage tubes, wires, stitches, a monitor stuck in his carotid artery to measure pressures, he was black and blue and yet in just a few days he was standing in his hospital bed shaking the crib. It was like “Yeah, I just had open heart surgery, so what?!?!” I wish I could say I handled everything well then but the truth is, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone and he was suffering more than anyone I had ever known. I was lost and looking for something to drown my pain. In so many ways I wanted to be the turtle with her head in the sand. I felt alive alright. But not in a good way. Yet, looking back on his times of greatest infirmity, he still lived. He still showed care for others. He handled everything given to him with grace. He never seemed to lose sight of life. In all emotions we are reminded that we are still alive. Parenting special needs children isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but around every turn you WILL feel alive. You WILL be reminded in sickness and health of what is important — and **that** is living.
3) Ever wondered what it would be like to entertain an angel?
Enough said.
4) Need a reason to smile?
A special needs child will give you oodles every single day — and they won’t be smiles cracked from everyday triggers. They are unique!
5) Want acceptance for just who you are?
So do they I hate comparing them to dogs, but honestly, it seems the only ones with the natural, absolutely pure, God-instilled, deeply rooted gift of unconditional love is special needs children and dogs. I love them both!
6) Want to feel God’s love in a tangible way?
If you are lucky enough to get a hug or kiss from a special needs child you can very readily assume that God is just passing His love for you through a child. They embody God’s love and affection for you.
7) “Normal” kids reach hearts. Special needs kids penetrate them.
Everyone remembers Kasey. Everyone loves him. Even if they haven’t met him, he captures their attention. And the best thing about it is, it doesn’t go to his head. He’s just the same to anyone and everyone.
8) Do you struggle with feeling sorry for yourself?
You won’t. They will teach you courage, perseverance, patience, grace, and standing firm in your own life’s plan.
9) Need someone to bring you out of your shell?
So did my younger son, Noah, and I. Sometimes Kasey is to us as a parent is to a child — embarrassing. To us who really value being unnoticed on a day to day basis…yeah that never happens with Kasey…we had to learn to stand out and be proud. He will drop a beatbox rap or bust into a full fledged all-out YMCA rendition in any aisle of any grocery store at any time. This picture is of Kasey bringing Noah out of his shell and actually trying the school talent show. It’s a memory Noah still talks about to this day. I have no doubt Noah would not have had the guts without his brother by his side.
10) Everyday is an adventure!
Yep…that’s Kasey…After eyeing the fingernail polish sitting on the table, he thought it would be funny to paint his nails. Then, I talked him into a make-over, a dress, and a pose.
Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
In giving your love and parenting to a special needs child, you truly are getting multitudes more than you can ever give. I promise.
I wish I lived as abundantly, as joyfully, as simply, as boldly, as attentively, as lovingly as my special needs child.
I wish I could melt, penetrate, and soothe hearts the way my special needs child does.
I wish I understood God’s love and undying devotion the way my special needs child does.
I wish I held unswervingly to my faith the way my special needs child does.
I wish I possessed the massive amount of spiritual gifts my special needs child does.
I wish my intellectual capabilities were severely over-shadowed by my intuitive, soul softening, kind and caring ways.
Some reason that a life labeled “special needs” is best ended in utero because quality of life will be diminished. I only wish my quality of life resembled my son’s. I have yet to meet a special needs person who struggles have burdened them so greatly they would have preferred their parents to abort them. Just ask them.
