Dear Adoptive Parent…
19 Aug 2011 30 Comments
in Being a birthmother Tags: adoption, adoptive parent, birthfather, birthmother, closed adoption, deceit, fear, God's example, God's plan, God's will, open adoption, vessel
Isn’t it wonderful to think that — yes technically, your birthmother chose you to parent her child — but in all reality GOD chose you to be a parent specifically to your child(ren). Your birthmother was a vessel, God was the Operator. God chose you. God chose you knowing every side of you, knowing you would have your fair share of mess-ups. God led your birthmother to you. God chose you because He delights in giving His children the desires of their hearts. The desire of your birthmother’s heart was for her child to have parents just like you. Just like you have the opportunity to be adopted into His family, your child had the opportunity to be adopted into your family.
Not only is God awesome, He is also an example. He is an example we should all live by. His love surpasses all and forgives without question. There is never anything anyone can do, that when they come back to Him He would turn them away. Never. I am so thankful for that because I fall short all the time. Don’t you? We make mistakes, we live outside of God’s purpose sometimes, we pull back when things are painful, we sometimes cower, and we sometimes seek substances or things to escape our pain and shortcomings.
Here is my issue: I have had countless broken-hearted birthmothers reaching out to me lately that are on the edge and broken. They are suffering. They are agonizing over their decision to choose adoption. Here is why: After agreeing to open adoptions, adoptive parents are pulling that option off the table and closing everything off. One fact I find so completely disheartening is that many of these Adoptive Parents claim they are Christians. I am not going to pretend to understand every single circumstance and decision made. That is not my thing. I am not going to say that if this is you, you are wrong for doing so. My guess is, your gut already knows that but fear of the unknown feeds your resolve.
Here is what I will say: you are killing birthmothers/fathers. The very spirit inside of them is slipping away because they put absolute hope and trust in you. They believed in you. They gave you their child. They may have even believed God about you. They chose life for their child because they believed in life and love itself, and you, the very one they and God chose to parent their child, pulled the rug out from under them. It is a most intimate form of deceit.
I’m sure there are many reasons and many ways to reason why closing the adoption was/is a good idea. We can always find excuses and some are valid. If you have closed off a once open adoption, let me ask you: Was it motivated by fear? Was it motivated by “what-if’s”? Was it motivated by “I don’t want…”? Secrecy? Because you were tired of sharing? Because your birthmother isn’t acting appropriately? Insecurity? Because just like the birthmother that decided her unexpected pregnancy was no longer about her, you also have to decide that adoption is not about you.
Do you wonder what will happen when your child is old enough to search out their birthparents on their own? Do you want them to find out that you closed the adoption after agreeing to something different? If you want to be the hero in your child’s life, you need to be the bigger person. You need to step out of fear and into peace. God loves at all cost. The day you entered into an open adoption, you also agreed to love at all cost. And I’m not just talking about your child. You agreed that you would not be the one to break a birthmother or father’s heart to shards by closing off the adoption. You entered into a heart agreement with a woman that believed in you enough to let her child call you Mother.
Is your artificially closed adoption worth the pain it is causing others? Even if you take God out of the equation (which of course, I never recommend!), is your gain worth causing someone else pain?
Jesus is PRO-EVERYBODY. He’s not pro everything… now there are some nasty THINGS. But He NEVER lets the things that He is against get in the way of the people that He loves.
~Greg Boyd
Love God, Love your Birthmothers/Fathers. At all cost.
Aug 19, 2011 @ 07:02:31
I love your post! I was linked to it by a birth-mother that did not choose us, and unfortunately ended up in the situation you have described. And I am glad she and I have spoken since then. I think it helped us both better understand the situations we ended up in. But I completely agree that God leads these pairings together and that you can only honor his Blessing by honoring each others wishes and doing what is best for that child that God gave you! We waited for years to adopt and I never felt “desperate”, because I knew that when our child was born, God would make sure we were together. He instead brought us an Angel in the form of a surrogate. We did not seek her out, she actually answered our adoption ad and though there was fear at first and though fear creeps up from time to time, we overcome it with faith in God, instead of trying to control what is solely under his control. So the “birth-mother” to our beautiful daughter is part of our lives and though not always easy, what more can we ask for. She changed our lives and cares about our child, the least we can do is honor her wish of remaining part of our lives! Thanks for posting!
Aug 19, 2011 @ 14:52:20
Thank you Anna
God certainly does work everything out for the good of those that love Him. Certainly no promises of it being easy, but that He is with us always. There is so much to be said for just resting in Him and His divine plan — yet it is sometimes much easier said than done! I love your story!
Aug 19, 2011 @ 18:19:51
Paragraph 6 is BRILLIANT! Loved what you had to say here, and could not agree more. Adoption is a lifelong commitment and communication that should be upheld for the sake of the child, not the parents. There are many, many women who are heartbroken because they trusted and were let down. This is all too common in adoption and fortunately I have not felt these fears and disappointments. However, I know many have faced it and feel jilted.
Your take on this is amazing! Thank you so very much for sharing this with all of us Cynthia. With your permission, I want to share this will all of my readers if you will let me. When words like this are spoken with such compassion and heart, well … it would be a shame not to have EVERYONE read this! Kuddos to you my friend, thanks for being you!
Aug 19, 2011 @ 20:08:41
Of course you can share Kelsey! And let them know if they like what they find on here, they can subscribe because I am trying to blog once a week about all things adoption. Thank you for your feedback. I am fortunate not to have a situation like this either but my heart has been heavy lately for all the people who have experienced this. Hope things are going great for you guys
Love your stories of you and your hubby!
Aug 19, 2011 @ 20:27:40
You have said what I have been trying to say for so long now to my AP’s. My words were always fueled with hurt and anger more than rational thought. I think everyone expected me to hold it together as the wife and mother I was before the adoption. And I think I expected more out of myself also. In the end though, the betrayal of trust, the pain, all the emotions I thought I would never have to deal with became to much and still some days are. So thank you for saying what I have always wanted to say but could never look past the pain to actually say it.
Aug 19, 2011 @ 20:38:31
I am sorry for your pain Maeghan. Feel free to pass this along to your AP’s and see if it helps? Just remember, God makes all things new — your day is coming!
Aug 19, 2011 @ 20:48:07
Thank you and I have. Here is my blog if you would like to read it. http://www.maeghansjourney.blogspot.com/
Aug 19, 2011 @ 22:10:33
THANK YOU! Thank you for putting into words the thoughts I try to express to AP’s I come in contact with who are unsure/learning about openness or about how to navigate a relationship with their birth family. You put it so eloquently! I’ll definitely be referencing some folks I know to this post. Thanks again!
Aug 20, 2011 @ 04:54:19
Thank you! We are adoptive parents and our son’s birthparents and their families mean the world to us and we are so very happy that they are apart of our lives. I honestly can’t imagine our lives without them and pray that they will always want to be a part of our lives. Plus our son adores all of them even though it does take him a little while to warm up to each one if it’s been awhile since we have seen them. When we started our adoption journey I never imagine that our relationship with the birthparents (and their families) would be so amazing and wonderful.
Aug 21, 2011 @ 14:06:54
Hi,
We are the adoptive parent of a 10 years old girl coming from Colombia. The orphanage was doing close adoptions. But I always wanted to live an open adoption as I consider the child has 2 mothers, none is better or more important, both are part of his life.
So, we were fortunate enough to have the information to be able to contact our daughter’s birthmother. It’s been 7 years now, and still very happy about it. Now we can tell her who she looks like, what she has from her, etc…
Aug 21, 2011 @ 14:25:37
Excellent. As an adoptee I know about the importance of truth and openness and, conversely, the harm of deception and secrecy. I hope this post is read and taken to heart by all who need to read it.
Aug 26, 2011 @ 17:18:50
Gorgeous.
Aug 26, 2011 @ 17:58:51
As a birthmom who was promised a semi-open adoption nearly 6 years ago, I almost wish I could sent this to my daughter’s a-parents, as it is EXACTLY what I think and feel. Our semi-open adoption has resorted from an agreement of pictures and letters four times a year to me practically begging for pictures once or twice a year. I feel as though I am pulling teeth and am frustrated with the situation. I don’t ever talk bad about them because they are who I CHOSE to raise my daughter. I just wish they would be more willing to hold up their end of the promise that was made when we decided they would be who she would call mom and dad. THANK YOU so much for saying what I wish I could say to them.
Aug 26, 2011 @ 18:02:20
Thank you Cynthia. I am sharing this as a link to my FB page. Which is huge for me, because my FB life rarely acknowledges that I am a hurting birthmother.
I love your words.
-LisaAnne
Aug 27, 2011 @ 03:23:10
Thank you so much for your feedback
I am glad you enjoyed and happy for you to share — I think all adoptive parents need to know more about this stuff!
Aug 26, 2011 @ 19:11:43
Great post! We adopted our children from foster care and were told that it wouldn’t be wise to be in contact with their birth parents. But, I think of them often (every birthday and mother’s day) and I pray for their healing and salvation. I would love for them to see how much these girls have grown and how beautiful and smart they are. My heart breaks for them. If we ever get to adopt again I am 100% for an open adoption!
Aug 26, 2011 @ 22:48:33
I am an adult adoptee that I was adopted back in the 1970′s when all adoptions were closed. I so wish there would have been the option of open adoption. I would love to find my birthparents, but in order to do that I need to open a court case and pay for it. Please if you agree with an open adoption don’t go back and close it.
Aug 30, 2011 @ 19:44:14
I was linked here by kelsey, and loved your post. We have a very open adoption with our son’s birthmom and cringe at the thought of ever closing it. We LOVE her!
We have a different situation with the bf and I would love to take the discussion offline, if you are able to email me. I feel like I’m constantly in need of advice on the VERY difficult situation.
Aug 30, 2011 @ 21:16:34
Thank you SO much for sharing this Blog Post- We just adopted our precious Ellie Marie by way of a domestic open adoption (www.blessingofadoption.blogspot.com)- I love that you were an advocate for both birth mother’s and for us (The adoptive parents).
Thanks again for sharing!!
Aug 31, 2011 @ 23:26:57
Loved reading this – thank you. I am an adoptive mom through domestic adoption and we began our relationship with our daughter’s birthmother as an open adoption. For the past year, she has been less than open to communicating with us and doesn’t seem open to our first visit. Any advice? I want to be respectful of her emotions and don’t want to push or hound her to communicate to us. I can also not bear the thought of not having her in our daughter’s life.
Sep 01, 2011 @ 03:35:31
Thanks. I know there are adoptive parents out there who believe their child will never be curious about their natural parents. I had a-parents like that, but I was curious, so I initiated contact with my birthmother when I was an adult (even though I was told she never thought of me). Sadly, many adoption reunions go amuck and cause much pain for all members of the adoption triad. It is almost always better for all triad members if relationships are maintained so that a reunion won’t have to take place. I can also imagine how conflicted an adult adoptee would feel if they met their natural parents and learned their birth parents closed the adoption. I don’t know if any explanation given by the birthparents would be adequate.
Sep 06, 2011 @ 00:18:00
This is a lovely post, I am 28 years old and I grew up in a very open adoption, and now my husband and I are hopeful adoptive parents. I feel blessed to have grown up where my adoptive family and my birth family were very open with me. I can’t emagin what it would be like to not know everything about my birth family and knowing my birth mothers reason for choosing adoption.As a mother I feel like I need to protect my son from everything, as many mothers do,but as an adoptee I feel that keeping an adoption open is what is best over all. I love my birth mother, I respect and look up to her for the life that she gave me, and my adoptive mother is a Saint in my eyes. My adoptive mother kept my childhood adoption open in cases where most would have closed,when my birth father and his family turned their back on me, she taught me to forgive, and in the end when she was diagnosed with cancer, she brought my birth mother and I together.I hope that other AP’s and hopeful AP’s will see the benefit of open adoption.
Sep 06, 2011 @ 17:29:38
This is so powerful and I loved reading it. I am an adoption professional and hope that this message helps adoptive parents realize how important it is to maintain openness in their adoption whenever possible. My favorite part of this post was when you said, “Because just like the birthmother that decided her unexpected pregnancy was no longer about her, you also have to decide that adoption is not about you.” That was said beautifully and it is so true! Thank you for this post.
Sep 23, 2011 @ 17:28:40
This is a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing. We are adoptive parents and love our birthmother to pieces. I can’t imagine not having a relationship with her. This was so well written. Thank you!
Sep 27, 2011 @ 15:54:55
Thank you for such a thoughtful and thought provoking post. It is my wish that every adoptive parent read your message, its something that we have been trying to explain to adoptive parents for a long time but I think it comes across so much better when it comes directly from a birth mothers and not in an accusatory way but a way to provoke thinking. I hope that this post opens the minds of many adoptive parents who may have shut the door out of fear.
Nov 29, 2011 @ 07:00:09
Cynthia, I am bmom for 21 years. I had an open adoption until my bson turned 20. Although my son’s aparents kept their promise of letters and pictures until he turned 18, now that he is 21 they are closing the P.O. Box they kept only for me. I am heart broken. It is the hardest part of this whole roller coaster called adoption. For the first time ever I seriously regret placing my son. Of course this is my emotional response to not knowing if I will ever hear from him again. I know I trusted God to keep my boy close to Him. I know his aparents were the ones God chose to parent him. I am in so much pain, I continually try to turn it all over to God’s hands, but it still hurts beyond anything I ever expected. It has been so long, yet the wound remains so fresh at times. I wish I could send your blog post to them. Thank you for having the courage to speak the truth in love.
Petersbmom, Kerstin
Jan 10, 2012 @ 21:44:23
Still gives me goosebumps when I read it, just revisiting and letting you know that you are AMAZING!
Feb 17, 2012 @ 05:23:11
Thank you for this. I’m an AP currently waiting being matched with a birthmother, and I’m trying to read everything I can about open adoption. I loved this and I hope you can take it to heart that a future AP read it and loved it and will apply it.